8 Reasons Why You Should Not Get a Dog

1. They are expensive. Say goodbye to your money and hello to vet appointments, vaccines, flea medicine, and teeth cleanings that will cost more than your own dentist. Dogs are an investment that you have to put money into every month. Sometimes they pay you back with kisses and snuggles and sometimes they pay you back with…
2. Poop. They do this quite a bit. Every day if you can believe it.
3. See number two. Har har har. Not only do they poop a lot, but you have to pick it up. You also have to deal with all the people who don’t pick up after their dog. I call these people ‘Losers.’ Losers don’t have time to be bothered to clean up after their dogs. Losers don’t care if your dog attempts to eat their dog’s waste. And they definitely don’t care when your dog successfully eats poop and then kisses you on the mouth later that night when you’ve forgotten about their pre-dinner snack.
4. They need to go to the bathroom even when it’s freezing, sweltering hot, raining, snowing, storming, weathering, etc.
5. Dog always want your food.  Hey what are you doing with that pizza while I’m over here eating this grain-free crap? There’s never a safe place to eat. There are always eyes watching you and drool puddles by your table. You basically become a very paranoid eater. I’m thinking of starting a new diet trend revolving around this.
6. They can throw up hair balls. No joke. I had no idea this was true until earlier this year. I was out taking our dog Poe for a walk when he sits down in the grass and has the expression on his face that says, “Hold on, I need a second.” He leans over, starts hacking, and then out comes this slimy alien the size of a slimy baby alien (I’m getting really good at my descriptions here). After I’m done dry heaving next to the alien because well, ewww, I bag the evidence and immediately take him to the Vet because clearly he’s just given birth to an alien through his mouth. I don’t even stop to put on nice clothes or makeup even though I’m convinced I’ll definitely be doing some media interviews as the “Male Dog Gives Birth to Alien” story will be breaking soon. I hand over the Alien when we get to the Vet’s office. Poe and I wait patiently as the Vet figures out what it is. Clearly she’s not seen as many aliens as I have. She comes back into the room and informs me that it’s a hair ball.  On closer inspection it does look like hair. Lots and lots of hair wrapped together. His dog hair and my black hair joined together like no hair should ever be joined together.  
7. They step on your face and kick you just when you got to sleep. If you let your dog sleep in your bed…wait let me rephrase that, when your dog lets you sleep in their bed, you have to deal with paws shoved into your back. It is not cuddling. It is a battlefield. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s what Pat Benatar was singing about. “But I’m trapped by your love/And I’m chained to your side.”  I can’t describe it any better, Pat.
8. Some day they will die. I am not ready for this. Despite all the crazy stuff we’ve been through with Poe, I don’t want to think about the day when he won’t be there. He’s excited to see me when I come home from work. Sometimes he even throws his arms around my shoulders giving me a doggy hug! If I’m having a bad day, he’ll put his little head on my lap to comfort me. He keeps us warm during freezing days like today. If you’re thinking about getting a dog, know what you’re getting into, but also remember all the wonderful things that you will get from your new best friend.